My Daniel:
I appreciate your letter, I read it thoroughly.  I want to tell you that I kept it in mind when you were last here. 

I love receiving you when you get here, ready for you, and you ready for me.  I can feel so much in you, you have so much passion in you, I can feel it just holding you.
Sometimes I feel like when you get here you just fall into my arms and give in.  Every time, I will catch you, I know you know that. 

I feel your trust I feel you give all control over and rest in me.  I love to be your refuge, if at least for the time we can have.  I can't always hold you, but remember I am always here for you.
I see a change in you, you have become brighter and more outgoing.  I can see it in your eyes, I think you are feeling more comfortable with yourself.  I myself feel like I am not so alone.  I have friends yes, but you are special to me.  I know if I get stuck I can always call you and you talk sense into me.

I have to say that I do appreciate your gift, more than you think.  I just have to keep my emotions in check and my heart safe.  It is also my duty to keep you safe; meaning I can keep going and causing your pain, but I have to stop at some point for your own good.  I have to keep my head on straight, common sense.  I cannot let my mind take a vacation and just let go.  That is dangerous, I need to have a head on me and make sure I keep control.

You have trusted me with all that you are, so I need to make sure that I do my job and keep everything safe and proper.

I know myself and I know that I like giving pain as well as receiving some of it.  For now I have to tell you that I do understand what you said.  I have a lot of aggression inside, and I should let it out as an expression of me, but common sense kicks in.  It is not because I have anger, it has nothing to do with anger.  After we have been doing this, and after talking during the week, I realized that yes, I have this..  hmm whatever it is.

I have been having some fantasies since I was a teenager, for some reason it started then, but I thought it was sick and wrong.  I grew up in a strict family and my thoughts would ensure me a spot in hell.  I had no idea about S&M or anything like it.  But I knew that even though it scared me when my cousin hit me, comething changed one time this happened.  She was hitting me with the belt, and somehow she was so angry she sounded like she just had it with me.  She called her husband to come upstairs, and then she grabbed me by the arm and handed me to him. I was a little confused, this had never happened before.  I was confused by my own thoughts as well.  He tried to say no to her, but she was so angry.  She walked off, and he told me sorry he had to do this but he had no choice.   He told me to pull my pants down, (and yes I had underwear on).  He was a good man, kind and decent person, I knew he was not going to do anything strange.  But In the back of my mind I wished he had asked to take those down too and spank me with his hand.  The thought of it probably made me wet at the moment.  I don't know why, because I was just terrified of my cousin.  You see, she was hitting me with so much anger, and he was just doing it because he was told it was what had to be done. 

After that I often had thoughts of it, and other things.  Then they started turning around.  I had dreams of doing that to other people, people I knew.  I thought it would be awesome if I could just have them once.  I still didn't know about anything having to do with sex, I was about 12.  In my dreams there were people who I felt were on top of me (not physically)  I wanted to have power over them. I felt so kept down that I wanted to get up.  I used to day dream that I would tie them to the bed, because otherwise they get away, and then done things to them.  After a while I thought I was sick in my head.  Many times I went to sleep thinking of this.  I felt these dreams were so twisted, and after a while I just wanted to do it even to people who didn't upset me, it just seemed fun. 

I kept all this inside for a long time, it was always there, but I never talked about it or let anyone know.  Not until now.  And yes, with my ex we had some of this, but he was on top and he didn't cause pain really it was just the control.  I remember a little bit of it, and some of what I learned from his friends, as in what others did and what it was like, just what they knew.

So that is why and how I do this and you can feel it is not out of anger, it is something very different. 
When I see you tied up, to me it feels like watching porn would be to others.  I could stand there and admire you like that for a long time.  When I took that picture of you the one picture we have, that is just something that makes me feel warm inside, I cannot explain it.  It's not evil, I am just different.  It's not that I enjoy hurting you or making you helpless, I know you are not helpless.  I know you could get out of whatever bind I put you in if you really wanted.  I know that you wanted this and that is just so awesome to me. 

All in all, I wish that the only pain I cause you was physical.  It tears me up to think you wanted more than this.  But I know I have been clear all along in telling you this is all I can give.  I am so grateful for you and I will continue to try to be the best I can be for you.  Sometimes I stall a little because life gets to me, but I am always here for you.